intentions in october.

As we move into October, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. My 33rd birthday is around the corner, and it feels like a fresh start when I start a new year. One word that keeps coming up is INTENTIONAL. I think there are a lot of places in my life I am intentional, but in relationships, this is often more difficult for me. I can conquer a to do list well, but focusing on people that can't be "checked off a list" is more difficult for me. And I know I am growing in being present, learning to "be" and not always doing, but I still have space to grow. 

Several blogs I read have monthly goals or intentions. I love the idea of something big(ger) to focus on for the month. It gives me time to really see something emerge. If I do a new thing for a few days, I often don't feel or see a difference and I move on. 

My October intentions are: 
- spend time outside with E every day (and Mack too, if it works)
- do at least 15 minutes of yoga every day
- blog 2 times a week 
- write at least 1 email/note a week to a friend 

Our days have taken on an easy rhythm and I am really, truly enjoying these days. I had a lot of plans for us for the fall. E and I did a lot of "going" before Mack arrived and it worked well for us. We'd go somewhere almost every day, able to pop home right before nap time and then she'd nap for 2-3 hours. In the midst of having a baby, recovering from the c-section, and learning how to move through our days with 2 littles, that routine wasn't working anymore. I found myself frustrated that Mack wouldn't "go along" with the things E and I have been doing. 

And then I felt the Lord tell me to take most everything off our schedule. The only thing we have "scheduled" during the week is our Monday play group. And even that gets skipped if my mama gut instinct is that the littles (or I) need the morning at home. Naps are (finally) happening more. Our days aren't hectic or hurried. We are able to move slowly, rest when we need to ... and while I am not spending nearly as much time with grown ups as I did months ago, I am enjoying my kids. Our home feels peaceful and our days are simple. I am being stretched to be content and enjoy this space and season, even though it doesn't look just like I thought it would.

After typing all that it might sound like our days are all smiles and quiet moments. This certainly isn't true. I've got an opinionated, verbal two-year-old with me all day (and she has an opinionated, verbal mama), and that lends itself to a lot of deep breaths (for both of us) and disciplining. But even in that, the Lord is stretching and growing my heart for her. I see so much of myself in her big emotions. It's teaching me to care for myself well so I can engage and guide E. 

I desire for her to be a woman who knows how to be in control of her emotions, not overrun by them. When she falls on the ground sobbing because Mack is still asleep, her breakfast is not what she wanted, or we have to leave a fun activity, I see my heart and how I respond (although usually my response is internal and I don't actually fall on the floor crying) and allow my emotions to go wild. We are working to learn self-control and walk in peace in our home, the both of us. 

Each morning I am meditating on these verses, that they may be true for our family and our home: 

"May PEACE be within your walls" Psalm 122.7 

"One handful of peaceful repose (meaning = rest, sleep, being in one place) is better than two fistfuls of worried work." Ecc. 4.6 

"Wisdom is more precious than rubies; and nothing you can wish for is to be compared with her... Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace." Proverbs 3.15-17

and now it's fall. thoughts in my brain.

"Motherhood is a hallowed place because children aren't commonplace. Co-laboring over the sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privileged." ~Ann Voskamp

Being home with small children feels small. I do a lot of the same things over and over and over. They are needed and would be obvious if I didn't do them. But it doesn't always feel big and impacting and life-giving. I am quick to speak truth to other moms about their importance and value, but rarely feel that way myself. As I've looked to the fall, making goals and thinking on what's important, I've been continually reminded -- while this season (and perhaps other seasons as well) feels small, I am creating a foundation for my children, for our family. My spiritual act of service in this season is caring for and tending to my children and husband. It may not be big and I won't earn any awards, but there is power and value and worth in the small life I am leading. Co-laboring over the sculpting of these souls is my privilege (oh, that I would walk that out daily). 

I recently finished reading The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.  I've read bits before, but really dug in this time. It gave me such vision for these days. 

"Children do not accidentally become righteous leaders or emotionally healthy and productive adults." ~Sally Clarkson

"I needed to accept days like this -- my children's neediness, the myriad of mindless tasks, and even my occasional discomfort --- as part of my partnering with my husband toward our mutual goal of building a godly heritage for Christ." ~Sally Clarkson

My friend Linds is a great "vision caster" and able to think through and look ahead to what the behavior of today would look like in one, five, or ten years. She encourages me to cast vision for my family and children and parent for the long term. This has been such a needed piece for me lately. As it turns out, two year olds can be a tad annoying. They can be tiring. But I don't want to parent out of being annoyed or tired. I want to parent for the long run.