intentions in october.

As we move into October, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. My 33rd birthday is around the corner, and it feels like a fresh start when I start a new year. One word that keeps coming up is INTENTIONAL. I think there are a lot of places in my life I am intentional, but in relationships, this is often more difficult for me. I can conquer a to do list well, but focusing on people that can't be "checked off a list" is more difficult for me. And I know I am growing in being present, learning to "be" and not always doing, but I still have space to grow. 

Several blogs I read have monthly goals or intentions. I love the idea of something big(ger) to focus on for the month. It gives me time to really see something emerge. If I do a new thing for a few days, I often don't feel or see a difference and I move on. 

My October intentions are: 
- spend time outside with E every day (and Mack too, if it works)
- do at least 15 minutes of yoga every day
- blog 2 times a week 
- write at least 1 email/note a week to a friend 

Our days have taken on an easy rhythm and I am really, truly enjoying these days. I had a lot of plans for us for the fall. E and I did a lot of "going" before Mack arrived and it worked well for us. We'd go somewhere almost every day, able to pop home right before nap time and then she'd nap for 2-3 hours. In the midst of having a baby, recovering from the c-section, and learning how to move through our days with 2 littles, that routine wasn't working anymore. I found myself frustrated that Mack wouldn't "go along" with the things E and I have been doing. 

And then I felt the Lord tell me to take most everything off our schedule. The only thing we have "scheduled" during the week is our Monday play group. And even that gets skipped if my mama gut instinct is that the littles (or I) need the morning at home. Naps are (finally) happening more. Our days aren't hectic or hurried. We are able to move slowly, rest when we need to ... and while I am not spending nearly as much time with grown ups as I did months ago, I am enjoying my kids. Our home feels peaceful and our days are simple. I am being stretched to be content and enjoy this space and season, even though it doesn't look just like I thought it would.

After typing all that it might sound like our days are all smiles and quiet moments. This certainly isn't true. I've got an opinionated, verbal two-year-old with me all day (and she has an opinionated, verbal mama), and that lends itself to a lot of deep breaths (for both of us) and disciplining. But even in that, the Lord is stretching and growing my heart for her. I see so much of myself in her big emotions. It's teaching me to care for myself well so I can engage and guide E. 

I desire for her to be a woman who knows how to be in control of her emotions, not overrun by them. When she falls on the ground sobbing because Mack is still asleep, her breakfast is not what she wanted, or we have to leave a fun activity, I see my heart and how I respond (although usually my response is internal and I don't actually fall on the floor crying) and allow my emotions to go wild. We are working to learn self-control and walk in peace in our home, the both of us. 

Each morning I am meditating on these verses, that they may be true for our family and our home: 

"May PEACE be within your walls" Psalm 122.7 

"One handful of peaceful repose (meaning = rest, sleep, being in one place) is better than two fistfuls of worried work." Ecc. 4.6 

"Wisdom is more precious than rubies; and nothing you can wish for is to be compared with her... Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace." Proverbs 3.15-17

and now it's fall. thoughts in my brain.

"Motherhood is a hallowed place because children aren't commonplace. Co-laboring over the sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privileged." ~Ann Voskamp

Being home with small children feels small. I do a lot of the same things over and over and over. They are needed and would be obvious if I didn't do them. But it doesn't always feel big and impacting and life-giving. I am quick to speak truth to other moms about their importance and value, but rarely feel that way myself. As I've looked to the fall, making goals and thinking on what's important, I've been continually reminded -- while this season (and perhaps other seasons as well) feels small, I am creating a foundation for my children, for our family. My spiritual act of service in this season is caring for and tending to my children and husband. It may not be big and I won't earn any awards, but there is power and value and worth in the small life I am leading. Co-laboring over the sculpting of these souls is my privilege (oh, that I would walk that out daily). 

I recently finished reading The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.  I've read bits before, but really dug in this time. It gave me such vision for these days. 

"Children do not accidentally become righteous leaders or emotionally healthy and productive adults." ~Sally Clarkson

"I needed to accept days like this -- my children's neediness, the myriad of mindless tasks, and even my occasional discomfort --- as part of my partnering with my husband toward our mutual goal of building a godly heritage for Christ." ~Sally Clarkson

My friend Linds is a great "vision caster" and able to think through and look ahead to what the behavior of today would look like in one, five, or ten years. She encourages me to cast vision for my family and children and parent for the long term. This has been such a needed piece for me lately. As it turns out, two year olds can be a tad annoying. They can be tiring. But I don't want to parent out of being annoyed or tired. I want to parent for the long run.

quiet mornings.

When E was born, I was given a lot of advice: sleep when the baby sleeps, your house won't be clean -- give it up!, don't get up early for anything. Of course, there are seasons with littles and in some of those our house has been less clean than others and in some I have napped much more. My days this time involve disciplining, caring for, and talking to a 2-year-old almost all day. I adore E and love being home with her -- but I cannot spend months checked out and tired. The end of pregnancy is hard on us -- and I already spent more than a few weeks being a bit checked out with my girl and at home. I decided 10 days after Mack was born to trim my diet (not going on a diet -- changing what I was eating) to include foods I knew would nourish me, help me continue nursing, and give me energy. I knew I would be lacking in sleep, but my girl needs a present mama, so I set out to do what I could to give myself the energy I needed. 

One morning I was praying and felt the Lord speak clearly -- that if I wanted to THRIVE in this season of having a newborn and a toddler, if I want to grow in my friendships, if I want my marriage to flourish -- my roots must be deep in Him. 

"But blessed are those who TRUST in the Lord

 and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. 

They are like trees planted along a riverbank, 

with roots that REACH DEEP into the water. 

Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. 

Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit." 

Jeremiah 17.7-8

The morning I read this, I was immediately convicted. I had settled into the mindset that I could "coast" because I'd just had a baby and there was a lot on my plate. Now, this is true. We are adjusting and transitioning and learning this new season of life. There is a bit more on my plate -- which is all the more reason that I must plant myself next to the water. I desire to live intentionally, to be present with my family, to prosper and produce fruit in each season. I felt clearly that the Lord was asking me to carve out time in the morning to refocus. In years past, this time has been a huge chunk. I remember when I lived alone and would have an hour or more each morning of time to pray and read. That is not the season I am in now -- but He is meeting me in my 10 or 15 minutes and it has changed our home. 

I had a realization (you mamas out there might be thinking, "Yep. I knew that already.") the other day -- when my attitude is off and I am not peaceful and seeking joy, every person in my family suffers. My attitude and heart set the tone for our home. 

On the mornings that I am not up as early as I'd like or Mack is up earlier than I had hoped, I grab coffee (bless that husband of mine for making a pot of coffee for us every morning before I get out of bed!) and sit down to nurse Mack in his room. I read this each morning (from Ann Voskamp's blog -- A Holy Experience), and really sit on it those mornings when it's all the time I'm getting before I hit the ground running (I have it as a photo on my phone -- you can download a PDF copy, so I can easily pull it up): 

10 Grace Prayers for Joyful Parenting
1. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to make our home a house of prayer. I will pray at set times. And I will invite our children to come move into an interior space that lives with God.
2. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to transfigure all things into beauty. He's working to redeem all things, in His time, into the image of His Son.
3. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to see that life is not an emergency. Emergencies 
are sudden, unexpected events— and is anything under the sun unexpected to God? I can slow and I can trust.
4. Just for today, I will ask for His grace, that when stress mounts, I'll dismount it with 
gratitude. My stress coping mechanism will be verbal intervention with verbal thanks. It's impossible to simultaneously feel stress and gratitude at the same time and I choose to give thanks at all times. Fight feeling with feeling!
5. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to speak words that are only strong words, words 
that make these children feel strong. Grace words. Grace is the only non-toxic air.
6. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to be consistently consistent. I will create safe 
rhythms that our children can find security in. I will create daily ceremonies because everyday we are CELEBRATING the gift of now!
7. Just for today, I will ask for His grace, the moment when I am most repelled by a child’s behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.
8. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to hug each of my children as many times as I 
serve them meals — because children’s hearts feed on touch. I’ll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible — the taller they are, the more so.
9. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to make my priorities all Things Unseen.
10. Just for today, I will ask for His grace to laugh! And I will let the little children laugh! I will create a culture of JOY!

there's a baby coming thoughts.

We've had a before-the-baby-comes to do list made for some time. We are slowly pecking away at it, but I am starting to feel the nesting and "this must get done" urge a bit more. There were a lot of things we didn't get for E (baby swing, bouncer, to name a couple) that I am thinking I may want/need this time around. We are paring down what's in our house and what's on the "to buy" list as well. I know there is still time, but I also know once spring really hits, we will want to be outside and doing more fun things than putting together a crib or buying a new car seat for E. I am determined to move through this list and hopefully have some days (or weeks!) to just enjoy being a family of three before this boy joins us. 

The feelings are so similar this time around -- I remember distinctly thinking I wasn't sure I wanted to change things with just Kevin and I when I was pregnant with E. I loved it just being us - we'd entered an easy, peaceful season and we were happy. I feel the same way this time, but it's three of us instead of 2. I love my little family and this sweet season we are sitting in. I know as soon as this boy joins us it'll feel like he was always here, but I am still walking through the emotions of realizing it'll never again be just me and my girl. She made me a mama. And I know her, oh so well. It's easy (ok, as easy as raising a toddler ever is) right now and our days are pretty predictable. But in a few months, all that will change. It will change for the better, but change all the same. 

Side note: At yoga last week (when I was 26 weeks along, mind you) someone mentioned they were surprised I was still doing yoga and that I hadn't had my baby yet. I almost laughed --my belly gets much larger than this!

it is a miracle.

"It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season - like all the other seasons - is a good time to not only tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them." 

Lemony Snicket, The Lump of Coal

expectant.

I shared last night with some women that I feel like I am lacking depth in many relationships -- these relationships are sustained and "ok", but not thriving. I know this is the life of a parent, and especially a mom, because my days are spent focusing on E, caring for her -- and our relationship has grown and blossomed exponentially. One of the relationships I feel is lacking (and by my own hand) is with God. It is not non-existent or in a difficult spot, but I have noticed that while I used to hear from Him sometimes daily, usually weekly for someone else - a word of encouragement, etc - this doesn't happen right now. I know there are times of silence to grow us and I believe that. But this lack of hearing is because of my lack of listening and taking time to listen. 

Today on my walk I listened to a sermon. It was powerful and quite a bit stuck with me, but this one line really stood out -- to be someone who isn't surprised when God moves or is at work, but one who expects it. It made me think of Psalm 5.3: "Each morning I bring my requests to You and wait expectantly." 

We've had a few weeks that life has been very hard for those around us. We have felt their loads and have done our best to step in and carry what we can. I have felt a bit lost and hopeless at times -- is He listening? 

This morning I was reminded, yet again, that He is listening. He is present. He is not surprised by the events happening. He was not caught off guard. And my role is expect Him to move and heal and work. And when He doesn't do as I see fit? My role is to trust and believe that He sees the bigger picture and works all things for our good.

Many years ago and friend wrote me a note with this verse: Blessed is she who has believed what the Lord has promised to her will come to pass - Luke 1.45. It is one that has come back to mind in many seasons. And now, I pray for this verse to be true in my life - that when He speaks it will be in my heart as if it already is. That I would not waver, but believe His promises in faith.

something in the works.

Just two years ago, almost at the exact same time of year, we announced that our tiny one was on the way. And now, nearly two years to the month, another one is in the works. Our newest addition is due in mid June and we are over the moon. I am feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be the mother of two. 

I'm sure I'll have more to say as this one grows, but for now I wanted to share our joyful news. It's a sweet thing being pregnant as we enter Advent - being able to, in a very tiny way, connect with Mary's anticipation of Jesus.