large things.

Oh my soul, knock hard this morning and ask large things of thy generous Lord. 
- Charles Spurgeon

My mornings have been powerful this week. I've gotten up early and had time to myself and both littles have slept in a bit. This morning I came downstairs to a fire going and coffee made. As I sit by the fire, this quote from Spurgeon repeated in my mind. What large things am I asking? Or am I just reading, taking in, journaling, but not really asking?

Sometimes I pray less because the things I have before me seem too big. Sometimes I pray less because I know the answer in the end may disappoint me in the moment or may not turn out how I want. So I ask less. 

But in those seasons when I am asking less, especially for other people, there is a disconnect. For me, praying for others grows my love for them and gives me eyes to see their situations with grace and hope. 

And so this morning, I made a list of LARGE THINGS. Well, they seem large to me. We have so much in the works right now in our little life, but we are waiting and on hold until there is some movement. I prayed for movement. I prayed for wisdom in parenting a girl with big emotions (ones that look so much like how I often feel). I prayed for friends who are hoping for a miracle. And while our day will likely be spent in our little home (the high today is 10 degrees, so I doubt we'll be venturing out), I can keep asking. I am reminded that prayer isn't what we do when the work is done or when we can't think of anything else to do -- prayer is the work. It paves the way. 

As I fold laundry, wipe faces, make meals, sweep floors, and eat pretend food today, I want to be asking the large things (along with the small) -- because He is generous. 

Welcoming December.

November seemed to blur by, and as we settle back home from our time visiting family, I am determined that this month will be slow, intentional, quiet, and calm. I love the idea of doing activities at Christmas, but truly, I want us to just be together. I had a plan for an Advent activity every day. I decided on our long trek home in the car yesterday that I should scrap that for this year. My kids are little. The plans are for me. I'd rather stay open to engaging and investing in them, rather than feeling pressured to do this or that because it's December. I don't want to set into the "but they/we will miss out!!" mentality. 

"Come thou long expected Jesus, 

Born to set thy people free;  

From our fears and sins release us; 

Let us find our rest in Thee" 

I'm feeling Advent deeply this year. I've thought a lot lately about what traditions were meaningful for me around this season as a child and what I want to cultivate and grow as traditions for our family now. The sense of waiting and emptiness is heavy this year for me. Not because we are experiencing loss or mourning, but I am grasping it in a new way. And then there is something powerful to recall that last year Mack was this tiny thing growing inside me and now he is full of life on the outside. The waiting for him was fulfilled and he is with us. I felt the same way the year before when Evie was with us and not just a tiny blob of cells growing furiously on the inside. Both of my children, in very different ways, are the picture of a dream come true. The tangible of them being here and with us is such a picture to me of God hearing my prayers and giving beyond what we could ask or expect. 

What a thought -- these tiny sparks of life grow and become full. That's sort of the sentiment of Advent, isn't it? A tiny spark of hope, and then Jesus comes to bring fullness. 

I'm setting intentions again this month. Last month was not a success, but I love the idea of beginning again each month and returning to these intentions with purpose. 

1. Yoga, walk, or work out every day. (I was actually fairly successful on this in November, minus our days of travel)
2. Begin end of the year goal setting (I usually wait until December 31. This year I want to ponder and really begin afresh with the new year.)
3. Drink 5 glasses (of the glasses I drink out of) water daily 
4. Phase out coffee 
5. Go slowly. 

intentions in november.

My intentions in October started off with a bang ... and didn't end quite as strong. But the point for me was to think of small goals to shoot for during the month, and writing them down and blogging about them made me think on it more. It also made me excited when the end of October came because I could start fresh with intentions for November. 

I loved the idea of doing yoga every day, but it just didn't happen. I did either walk or do yoga most days, so the idea of being active was there. 

I've started reading Proverbs, and this time I am reading one a day (some days 2 or 3) and journaling about what strikes me, what convicts, thoughts, and any verses that really stick out. It's been powerful, so I'm adding that to my November intentions list. 

One thing I really noticed at the end of October (and has probably been true for some time) is that when I eat, I am often standing or walking around. Usually this is because I am cooking something for E or tidying up the kitchen and trying to eat at the same time. But it also ends up being snacking all. the. time. and just grazing. I'm going to work on that during November -- only eating when sitting down, even if it's just a small snack. 

November intentions: 
- Walk or yoga every day 
- Read and journal on one Proverb a day 
- Only eat sitting down 
- Blogging 2x a week 

growing in wisdom.

I've been reading through Proverbs lately, aiming to read one or two chapters each morning and journaling as I read, noting what sticks out and what I want to sit on and think on a bit more. 

The idea that is really sitting deeply for me this time reading this book is wisdom. What does wise living look like? How do I cultivate it? What areas of my life am I doing unwise things? In Proverbs 2 it talks about "tuning your ears to wisdom" -- I am desiring in this season to tune my life, as you would tune an instrument, to wisdom. I am looking at items that go in -- tv, blogs I read, books, magazines, conversations, thoughts I sit on -- and trying to take out all that doesn't add to wisdom in my life. I don't think anything frivolous is bad or should be avoided, but I also noticed I'd let things in that are taking away from my focus. 

"If you live a life of wisdom, you won't limp or stumble when you run" Proverbs 12.4

As a wise person is described in Proverbs, -- glad to be instructed, gives good advice, their words lead to life, their life is filled with joy, one with understanding -- it has struck me that those words describe who I want to be. 

narrow & full.

I listened to a podcast this morning that talked about these days of mothering, especially small kids, being narrow -- there are constraints because we are raising children that may not be present in other seasons of life -- but not unimportant. Just because we have constraints does not mean our days aren't impacting, fruitful, or unimportant. Such good reminders for me. 


The other night I went to hear Sally Clarkson speak. Have you read her books or blog? (If not, I highly recommend reading her blog and her book Misson of Motherhood) She is a seasoned mama. She has trudged her way through mothering, growing and raising successful, joyful children. When she speaks, it's like something is ignited in me to refocus, see the big picture, and love my kids well. She speaks at a local church once a month to a group of hungry-to-grow mamas and it's powerful to be there. One thing I especially love is being with women who desire to be excellent mothers, and are doing something about it. It encourages me to press on and keep finding ways to grow because of the fruit I see in their homes and children and marriages. 

The words that most impacted me from hearing Sally speak was the picture she gave of God pouring into me and me pouring into my child. It's such a good picture, but what really struck me was that if I am not in line with God -- not spending time with Him, growing, praying, walking in peace and joy -- I am still pouring something into my children, but it is not of God. They receive something from me, but what are they receiving? It's been a good thing for me to ponder the past couple of days and think on where my time is spent. 

After spending a bit of time with two dear friends yesterday afternoon, I was reminded that the most important place I put my time and effort is into my relationship with God. If I stray there, every other facet of my life is impacted. If I am faithful there, every other facet of my life is impacted. And it doesn't need to be an hour long, luxurious, completely silent chunk of time, but I am pouring out what I am putting in. 

keeping it clean and other thoughts on motherhood.

Many places I look or read about motherhood makes note of "good mothers" having dirty floors or messy homes. And I totally get the sentiment -- the most important thing when we are in the throes of mothering small children is not a clean home. And with that I completely agree. 

But I also think it's dangerous to say ________ means you are a good mother (and to me it sounds like if you are doing the opposite you are a bad mother). Yes, clean homes shouldn't be our focus in these days (and probably not ever in life), but I also think there are things that make life smooth and peaceful for certain families, and we should encourage those mamas to do those things. For instance, I am not a crafter or sewer. And if I wanted to start those things today, I am not sure when I would do them. But I have dear friends who love to create and it's such a sweet outlet for them -- they grow in creativity, grow as women, make money for their families, and enjoy doing it. For them, finding the time to craft or create is totally worth it and is fruitful. But it's not for me. 

We love to have our home tidy. Not spotless or scrubbed, but tidy. The hub and I have learned about one another that we function best when our home is peaceful and there's not a lot of clutter. We don't always reach this goal, but it's still one of the things I focus on during the day. I am a better mama and wife when our home is in order (somewhat). But I read something like "good moms have messy homes" when my home is clean and tidy and I do have clean floors and I think, "Did I spend my time poorly? Does that really mean I am a bad mom?" 

Ahhhhh, the motherhood trap. There is always somewhere else we "should" be spending our time. There is always "better" or something more. There is always someone to compare ourselves to, and someone who seems to have it "all together" more than we do at that moment.

And yet there are things I could be doing that would be a better use of my time. This is always true in every season of life. There are places in my life I can improve or give up something I've been holding onto. Yet the reality is, as mamas we must do what is best for us, for our husbands, for our families and move on. What's best in my home, in this season, is not what's best for everyone. Motherhood is such a gray area -- there are certainly non-negotiables involved in what's best for kids -- and I desire to be content with what our family has set as priorities and not compare myself to anyone else. Because Mack and Evelyn were born into this family, it means I am the best mama for them. 

P.S. After writing a post the other day about our days being peaceful, I was laughing to myself at 2pm yesterday when our day had totally derailed. No one napped (except the dog), and every set of sheets on beds needed to be changed for a variety of reasons. Diapers were leaking, clothes had to be changed a ridiculous amount of times, and there were a lot of toddler tears. We pulled it together, played outside (where a pot of dirt was then dumped on a toddler's head by herself), and took 2 baths. But because most of our days are simple and smooth, days like that don't throw me like they might otherwise. I laughed aloud a lot because what else can you do when your toddler cries about the color of straw she was given?

intentions in october.

As we move into October, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. My 33rd birthday is around the corner, and it feels like a fresh start when I start a new year. One word that keeps coming up is INTENTIONAL. I think there are a lot of places in my life I am intentional, but in relationships, this is often more difficult for me. I can conquer a to do list well, but focusing on people that can't be "checked off a list" is more difficult for me. And I know I am growing in being present, learning to "be" and not always doing, but I still have space to grow. 

Several blogs I read have monthly goals or intentions. I love the idea of something big(ger) to focus on for the month. It gives me time to really see something emerge. If I do a new thing for a few days, I often don't feel or see a difference and I move on. 

My October intentions are: 
- spend time outside with E every day (and Mack too, if it works)
- do at least 15 minutes of yoga every day
- blog 2 times a week 
- write at least 1 email/note a week to a friend 

Our days have taken on an easy rhythm and I am really, truly enjoying these days. I had a lot of plans for us for the fall. E and I did a lot of "going" before Mack arrived and it worked well for us. We'd go somewhere almost every day, able to pop home right before nap time and then she'd nap for 2-3 hours. In the midst of having a baby, recovering from the c-section, and learning how to move through our days with 2 littles, that routine wasn't working anymore. I found myself frustrated that Mack wouldn't "go along" with the things E and I have been doing. 

And then I felt the Lord tell me to take most everything off our schedule. The only thing we have "scheduled" during the week is our Monday play group. And even that gets skipped if my mama gut instinct is that the littles (or I) need the morning at home. Naps are (finally) happening more. Our days aren't hectic or hurried. We are able to move slowly, rest when we need to ... and while I am not spending nearly as much time with grown ups as I did months ago, I am enjoying my kids. Our home feels peaceful and our days are simple. I am being stretched to be content and enjoy this space and season, even though it doesn't look just like I thought it would.

After typing all that it might sound like our days are all smiles and quiet moments. This certainly isn't true. I've got an opinionated, verbal two-year-old with me all day (and she has an opinionated, verbal mama), and that lends itself to a lot of deep breaths (for both of us) and disciplining. But even in that, the Lord is stretching and growing my heart for her. I see so much of myself in her big emotions. It's teaching me to care for myself well so I can engage and guide E. 

I desire for her to be a woman who knows how to be in control of her emotions, not overrun by them. When she falls on the ground sobbing because Mack is still asleep, her breakfast is not what she wanted, or we have to leave a fun activity, I see my heart and how I respond (although usually my response is internal and I don't actually fall on the floor crying) and allow my emotions to go wild. We are working to learn self-control and walk in peace in our home, the both of us. 

Each morning I am meditating on these verses, that they may be true for our family and our home: 

"May PEACE be within your walls" Psalm 122.7 

"One handful of peaceful repose (meaning = rest, sleep, being in one place) is better than two fistfuls of worried work." Ecc. 4.6 

"Wisdom is more precious than rubies; and nothing you can wish for is to be compared with her... Her ways are highways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace." Proverbs 3.15-17